I am going to put out all my thoughts in these journals, may it all be in this one or in multiple. I will look through my childhood, not for the sake for the ones who read it, so that I myself, won't forget.
I have had many difficulties in life, even at the times I didn't realize them.
I was born to my loving mother and a father.
Although they didn't last as long as I would hope.
After or Before my mother gave birth to me, my father was in the air-force and was accidently hit with a blunt object that mentally confused him for the time being.
I was born with a hole in my heart, giving me name of the blue baby.
When It was turn for my older sister to hold me, I had gone blue and she had thought she had done something wrong.
My heart healed in 5 days, miraculously without surgery.
My parents couldn't decide on what my name was to be, my mom wanted me to have my grandmothers name Mary Ann, but my dad wanted me to be Mary rose, when my grandma appeared she said that I had looked more of like a Mary rose.
We lived a short time in Ohio, then moved to California, where my mother had my little brother.
During the time we lived there, an earthquake there made a crack that split our house and our neighbors had been robbed.
Also during the time we lived there, my parents had found out that my little brother had ausburgers, which is a form of autism, just like my older brother had.
In my opinion, my mother and him had gotten alot of publicity from it.
During that, my mother had left me alone with my father.
When this had happened, I started to cry and with my fathers mental confusion he wanted me to be silent and almost suffocated me by covering my mouth and nose, until light red dots appeared on my face.
My mother had immediately when she had gotten home stopped him from almost killing me.
This was not the last time this had happened.
One day I was taking a bath and apparently I may have gotten soap in my eyes or whatever and I had cried.
Alas my fathers mental confusion pushed him to try to stop my crying by forcing me into the water and I almost drowned.
Soon after that my parents got divorced.
All I can remember after that from until i was the age of 6 or 8 was me being 3 and going to go and get my shots.
I acted differently from how other kids would've reacted. I was as silent as a wraith, clinging to my mother, which in the end scared her because I made no noises when I got my shots.
They called me a tough cookie because i would fall over and would have been bleeding but i would've walked forward with no crying.
It was probably out of fear, fear of maybe if I cried again, I probably wouldn't be so lucky.
Time passed as a grew older.
Around the time of me being 6 we had lived in an apartment that we shared with one of my mothers friends.
My mothers friend had a daughter and a son.
The daughter terrified me, one time I had asked her to play with me and she looked up at me, grabbed my wrist and flung me face first into a closet.
The son how ever, I can't really recall much about him.
When we had lived there alot of things happened.
My older brother, having ausburgers and not knowing right from wrong would lock me in a dark closet, which was lockable from the outside not the inside.
I would scream and cry until someone would let me out.
Other things happened there made up for later life experiences.
We had moved from there to North Carolina, a.k.a hell hole.
Many things happened there that I wish I could forget, but they have made a lasting impact on my life.
Firsts things first, we had too many animals.
Me having a gentle heart, I cared for them the best I could, but death had its hand over everything I touched.
I had once had three kittens, one white, one black and one orange.
I had loved them so much, I mean come on, who doesn't like kittens.
But as i said, death follows me.
One morning I had walked outside to go to the bus stop and the black kitten was frozen stiff, dead.
Then the other two dissapered.
Most of the hamsters I had would run away, although if I had the chance back then, I would have too.
Then there was this pitbull we had, he was treated terribly by my step-father, who I have come to hate.
I could see in his heart that the dog was gentle, but the vile thing that was my step-father instigated it past its limits so that it would bark endlessly.
The poor dog was later take to the pound on account that he had bit my step-father.
How I had hated him, his name was ben.
When he got angry he would either hit you or throw any object nearby at you.
Which in the end left me with a lot of bruises.
Along with ben came his daughters, they all were different in there special way.
The eldest was ok i guess, the middle one was a bitch and the youngest one was a devil and scared the living shit out of me.
She threw a dresser at my mother. Fuck she tried to cut my hair in the middle of the night along the the middle sister.
I was neglected at some points at that house in north carloina.
I had always tried to stay away from the house, even if it meant walking along way to my friends house, were even her family were awkward around me.
One time they had tried to make me feel better but that ended up leaving me scarred.
Then there was one thing that changed my life, that still haunts my dreams, or nightmares, whatever you call them.
I was about 7 or 8 and I knew this boy, he was about 4 years older than me and was my brothers friend or he could have been my cousin.
But he was at my house one day and said he had something interesting to show me that was in my room.
I followed him, having a childish curiosity.
He first led me to the bathroom that was in my room then he led me under my sisters half bunk bed.
Then for some reason he had cornered me and the last I can remember was him touching me.
My subconscious has blocked that from me.
Then were after the blackness I can remember him saying, tell this to anyone and I will kill you.
Even typing this now leaves me shaking.
After that, the only way I had slept was when I had cried myself to sleep.
Then my young self realized, I need to tell someone.
In my head I thought of my older step sister, she's cool.
Plus, I was to afraid to tell my mother.
I had gotten all the courage I could muster to tell her.
I can remember the words I said to her, I wish I couldn't.
My little self had told her that boy had humped me.
Her first response was nothing short of a chuckle, she laughed at me.
She couldn't take me seriously.
I then proceeded, after that to cry even more, every ounce of trust I had in my family had vanished.
I still needed to tell someone though, so I tried to tell my mom.
Though everytime she was too busy, I eventually got tired of that so when she was driving me home one day I told her.
She went silent and said that he would never come to my house again.
I had felt that, that wasn't enough.
Through out the time I had lived in North Carolina I had grown more cold and desolate, not wanting anything to do with anybody.
Though my mom calls me mary bearie sunshine girl, she will probably never see this side of me.
I don't she could bear it.
The Panic/Anxiety attacks I go through are mostly triggered by my past.
One of the last ones i have had recently, made me cry and scream out silently.
I held my head wondering why, why do i not have a normal family.
My family is full of lies and deceit, I have been told lies throughout my life that I was too blind to see the truth.
I have learned, that is one of the things I hate the most, lies and broken promises.
Though it happens daily, they don't see it as much, but i'm being eaten alive by it, they're too blind themselves to realize how much I am hurting, but I am going through this because I love them.
It brings me to tears on how much pain I feel, knowing, just knowing the fact that they don't care how I feel.
I have protected my poor little brother as much as I could of, but he would never be able to see.
He has said twice that he hates me and tells me how I'm ruining his life.
He's publicly humiliated me too many times.
I have grown to hate him, sometimes when I look at his face I am angered.
People say I bully him, but in reality he's bullying me.
He knows what he does, he picks until I lash out then gets me in trouble for it.
He does things after I say not to, he himself is starting to shut himself out from his own family.
I'm absolutely terrified on how he will live his life, will he even have a life.
And don't get me started on my sister.
She herself is a shell, on the outside she can be brash and kind of a bitch, but on the inside of her is a side that only I have witnessed.
She hides herself well, but my eyes get opened to things that I do not want to see.
\\this is a thing i'm going to do, just let it out. i literally cried near the end of writing this. this is how bad it hurts Q.Q you guys are the only ones who will listen without putting in your input saying that i'm wrong or i'm just like my father. That's a major insult to me. ok i sorry if i have wasted any of your guys times. *is going to sleep after this*//
Listening to: nothing